I've had a lot going on in my mind and body this past month. Most people know that I'm pregnant! I'm almost to the end of the 1st trimester - the baby is due in May. I've had such mixed emotions lately about the baby - so I think that is why I haven't been writing about it.
I'm so grateful and excited about this new life - but I am also very afraid. I wasn't like this with Isa & Olivia - I KNEW that it was the right thing and that I was ready. This time, we decided that if it happened, it happened and if not we were OK with 2 wonderful kids. I think part of the issue is that each month I'd go between being sad I wasn't pg or relieved that I wasn't pg. When I first found out I was PG I was elated. So excited. Then I got sick. REALLY SICK! It's been awful - and that triggered panic feelings. I struggle with panic attacks and I've been in therapy since August for them. I was doing so well and then this pregnancy came, and I feel in some ways that I've been brought back to the cycle of fear. The chronic naseau and "yuckyiness" of pregnancy mimics the symptoms of panic - and some days and nights have been a real struggle.
I'm doing better now - not feeling so chronically sick. I've had the support of my family and friends, without whom I think I would be crazy! I'm still working with my therapy - exposing myself to things which make me uncomfortable, and learning to not be afraid of panic. It's hard - and somedays I don't know how I can make it. But I do. And I will.
I think I'm also afraid of the unknown of what a 3rd will do to our family structure. With the 2nd, I just knew that we could handle it - but now, with our life easier, structured, comfortable - well, am I rocking the boat? Messing with a good thing? Asking for too much?
On the other hand - a new baby to love. A life to guide. A person to continue the cycle of life and hopefully make the world a better place. A little brother or sister for Isa & Olivia.
Well - time to get ready for work......
It's OK to be hopeful and fearful at the same time. To have doubt and to be sure. To welcome the unknown and to fear the unknown.
7 comments:
Again...congratulations! I'm sooo happy for you guys & all the new experiences! And, I can't wait to find out what you're having...hee hee!
What an inspiring post! Congrats again on your new little life. What a blessing! Now we just need to wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl! :)
You are a strong & loving woman, Miss Sarah! Your courage gives me hope. Much love, Dawn
great post, Sarah. You will be a wonderful mother of THREE. :)
You are (and I know your girls would agree) the best mom! You are there for friends so much, it is all we can do to "be there" in return!
good analysis. We really think clearly in the morning huh? I am very glad that you are pregnant. I think it will be wonderful for your whole family. A new little Field for all of us to love and expand the our family with another personality, opinion, and attitude. how can that be anything but good. you're a great mother and friend. on the issue of another baby...the glass is full.
A family can grow and change and that's the wonderful thing about it! You have so much love and happiness to share. Congratulations!
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